Loss
by RISVULove
Summary: Calex. Oneshot, Angst/Hurt/Comfort. How the pair deal with loosing a child. T - for themes, language. R&R please.


AN: Okay, this one is really sad and horrible, but for lack of a better word, I enjoyed writing it. It was a take on what the pair would be like grieving. I hope, although its a sad oneshot you all see the side I saw. I'd appreciate any feedback you have, thank you.

xx

_"I'm so sorry Ma'am, but your son has no heartbeat, I'm afraid he's still born"_

I lay in the hospital bed, the horribly cold room making me want to curl up into my blanket but I cant move, I don't want to.

I cant let them take him away from me.

I look down at our son's lifeless body cradled in my arms and I try to stop my tears but I cant

My first child. Gone. Just like that.

I see a small amount of blonde hair barely there on his head and I cant help but smile

I bet he'd be a lady killer. Beautiful blonde hair and what I assume are a copy of my icy blue eyes

I hold him even closer to me, trying to use my body heat to someway heat him up, his skin turned a sickly shade of blue now.

I haven't even looked up at her, not since he was born. I should let her hold him, he's hers too but I cant, I just cant let him go.

I need to protect him. Protect him like I should've done a better job of sooner.

"Alex.." She whispers, almost afraid to speak and I drag my eyes up, seeing her for the first time in an hour and a half. Seeing the pain on her face, her eyes red rimmed from her silent cries.

"Alex, can I?"

I look down at him again and nod answering her question "Please, please take him"

She moves over beside me, lightly touching my arm and I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel him leave my arms.

She sighs and gently caresses his head "Our baby"

I pull the blanket up over myself and turn away, I cant watch. Not this.

After around another twenty minutes the nurse from before walks in and Casey sighs

"Now?" She asks and the nurse just nods

I watch as Casey turns back to me "You wanna say goodbye?"

I nod and she hands him back to me and lightly brushes away my tears

I move closer to him and place a feather light kiss to his forehead

"Goodbye baby" I soothe and after a minute of complete silence from everyone in the room, I hand him to Casey who kisses just beside where I did

"Sleep tight little man"

She hands him to the nurse who fixes the blankets back up around him

"I'm so sorry for your loss" she says before leaving and when I hear the door click shut I cry. Harder than I've ever cried before.

She sits back up beside me and slowly runs her hand over my back as the sobs rack through me

"Oh-h G-God, Casey"

She pulls me into her arms "I know. I know Al"

"Why?!"

She shakes her head "I don't know, God Al, I wish I could answer you"

"He was so small. Innocent. He didn't deserve that"

"Of course he didn't"

I pull up my blanket and she eases in beside me, wrapping her arms around my waist

"Are you in pain? I mean.. Physically?" She asks and I shrug

"I feel numb.. I-I don't know"

She nods and decides to drop it "They still need a name"

I close my eyes, feeling the knot in my stomach "What do you want?"

"Well we did always like Jack"

"Jack" I smile sadly "He kind of looked like a Jack, didn't he?"

"Yeah..He did"

I lean into her and she places soft kisses against my hair "Casey, I'm so sorry" I blurt

She pulls back slightly "What?"

"I-I should've protected him more, I'm his Mother"

"Oh Al, please don't. T-This is nobody's fault, its just cruel. It wasn't you"

I shake my head "He bled out Casey, that much blood wasn't normal. I should've noticed-"

"And you nearly bled out too. I very nearly lost you too today. It was the scariest thing in my life, seeing you unconscious on that bed, the colour literally draining from you. Alex, I know what you're thinking but this was not your fault, now please, just lie here with me and forget everything outside this hospital, block it all out"

"I'm sorry I didn't let you hold him for so long.. I-I couldn't-"

"Thats okay. I understand"

"When can we go home?" I ask and she shrugs

"Tomorrow, I guess. I called around a little, called your Mom and Dad, my Mom, Liv, Abbie.."

"And?"

"They all said if we needed anything we should call"

I nod "I cant believe I've carried him for seven months and just like that he's gone"

"What should we do for a funeral, do you want a burial"

I nod "I want to bury our son"

"Me too"

She slips her hand into mine and after a minute says "Jack Alexander"

My eyes shoot up to hers "Really?"

She nods "I like it, you?"

"Dad'll be honoured"

xx

"Alex, sweetheart? Are you ready?"

I hear her call down the hall, I'm supposed to be getting changed but when I walked past the nursery I needed to just look. One quick look.

I see the baby blue walls, if you hadn't guessed we knew the sex beforehand.

I feel like I cant breathe as I set foot in the room and I hear her call my name again but I ignore it and just walk to the cot

I run my hands over what should be his blanket and I see the toys we bought him in the corner and I cant help but pick up the stuffed white bear

"Alex" I hear from the door and I freeze "Alex... You need to stop torturing yourself"

I turn back around, still grasping the bear and she walks over to me and places her hand over mine around the bear

"We really have to go. The service starts in twenty minutes, we need to go pick him up"

I nod and she squeezes my hand "You wanna take this?"

"Yeah" I run my thumbs over the snow white bear and she kisses me

"This'll be okay Alex. We can do this" she takes my hand again and I nod

"Okay, c'mon lets go"

"I thought you wanted to change?"

I look down to my black dress and black flats and shake my head

"We should go"

"If you want to change we can wait"

"No. I want to go"

xx

We walk into the small hospital room and I feel my breath hitch, the nurse holding the small dark-wooded coffin we picked out

I notice Casey swatting away tears and I walk over to the nurse

"C-Can I?"

"Of course" the woman hands over the coffin and I turn to Casey

"You hold him Case. Hold our son"

She opens her arms and I pass over the small coffin

She stands for a minute, just looking and then sighs

"You ready?"

I nod "Lets go"

We walk down the back hall and out the nurses area, the nurse not wanting us to walk through the hospital catching stares from others

We walk out the door and when we get to the car I open the door for her and she sits in, holding the coffin on her lap

I sit in beside her and we sit in silence for a minute before she breaks down crying, really crying as she runs her hand over the wood

"O-Our c-child is-s dead A-Al"

I squeeze her shoulder "I-I know, I know Case"

"I-I.. He's our boy, o-our baby, w-we have to bury our baby"

"Its hell" I say and I put my hand over hers thats resting on the coffin "It really is hell"

"I feel sick" she admits and I nod

"Yeah, I did earlier too, now I'm just numb again"

"Should we go?" She asks through her tears and I nod

"I'll drive slow. Give us time"

She smiles sadly "I love you Alex"

"I love you too Casey" I bring our clasped hands to my lips and kiss lightly placing them back over the coffin "I love both of you"

"My heart actually hurts" she admits as I start the car and I nod

"I know.."

"C-Can we go? I n-need to get away from this hospital"

"Okay"

I reverse out of the parking lot and we drive in silence towards the cemetery and the closer we get the more I feel my eyes water

I hear her try to stifle her sobs beside me and I just cant take it anymore

I pull in on the hard shoulder and she looks up to me questioningly

"Why are we-?"

"Because, I cant sit and listen to you cry. I cant hold back my own tears, I-I just cant bury him yet. We need time alone. Just a few minutes together away from the hospital, the three of us" I move closer to her and she pulls me across so we're sharing the passenger seat

"He was small" she whispers and I nod

"He was.. Really small, but cute"

"He was wasn't he? Adorable"

"He had hair"

"Blonde, like you" she smiles sadly and squeezes my side "I bet he'd be all you. Beautiful"

I nod "He's gorgeous"

We sit in silence and I run my hand along the smooth wood, thinking. Nearly so deep in thought I don't hear her call me

"Alex, you need to stop blaming yourself, this wasn't on you. It was just a horrible tragedy that we couldn't have stopped, even if we tried. You didn't cause it, I didn't cause it, it wasn't us. It was just horrible"

"Its shit Casey... So, so shit"

"It really is"

"Hey Case? I know today is going to probably be the hardest thing we've ever had to do but I promise we can do it. We can Casey, I know we can.."

"You really think we can bury our child?"

"It'll be hard, we'll be upset and cry, of course it'll be hard but we have each other, Casey, I know we can do this together"

She nods and and kisses my cheek "We really should go, we're late"

"People will understand" I state and she sighs

"I really don't want to do this"

"Me either but its necessary..I guess"

"Alex, I love you, so much"

"I love you too Case, now, you ready for this?"

"As ready as I can be. You?"

"Same, come on, we'll go"

xx

"I'm sorry Al"

I nod and Olivia pulls me into a hug

"How are you handling?"

"Shit"

"I guessed, Casey?"

"Shit, even more than me. She cried so much"

"Thats normal"

"I know.. I know it is. It was just weird. She was never that open with her emotions, always so strong and for her to admit how she was actually feeling, it was such a relief"

"Well, she loves you. You are her whole world, she needs you and she wants to keep you, obviously she'll want to open up to you"

"We had a son"

"You had"

"God Liv, this is so.. hard"

She takes my hand "It'll get easier honey, it will"

"I hope so"

xx

I hear her crying from the living room and I feel my chest tighten. Thats why she went to lie down.

I stand off the couch and walk down towards the bedroom and I wipe away my own tears

"C-Case?" I knock on the door and I hear her sniffles

"One sec A-Al"

"Sweetheart, can I come in? Please"

"...Okay"

I open the door and see her laying on the bed, one hand clutching the baby blue blanket, the other swatting away steady flowing tears

"H-Hi"

"Oh Case" I walk over and sit beside her and pull the blanket into my lap, her hand still clasped on it

"Casey, please, don't walk away from me to cry"

"I-I'm sorry"

I cup her cheek "Its okay, I just... need you to let me hold you. I want you to be okay. God Case... C'mere"

She curls into me and I hold her in my arms

"Babe, I'm here for you. I-I love you Casey, I-I know this is a bitch but we can do this. We can. I have you"

"I have you too"

"Never let me go Casey, no matter what, please"

"I wont. Never Al, never"


End file.
